Suddenly Summer???

OK, so one lousy day after whining about the weather, I walk out the door to get the paper and I FEEL it. Genuine warm, the kind of warm that feels like it's guaranteed to last all day. Even yesterday, as I was crying about that lousy spring grayraincrap, I knew we had a favorable forecast. Still, I chose to whine. I guess it's just familiar territory. So I'm sitting in my overstuffed chair, I have a peek-a-boo view of Mt Rainier getting the first rays of the sun through the dusty blue morningsky and all is right with the world.

These days, most of my daily life is spent in SeaTac, Renton, and Burien Washington, three small cities that form a 6-mile triangle on the southern outskirts of Seattle. I live in SeaTac, work in Renton, and spend a LOT of time with a pile of very good friends in Burien who help me live my life one day at a time. I ride my bike from corner to corner like a slomo waltz, 1-2-3-1-2-3-1-2-3. Yeah, it sounds boring but that's alright. I've had plenty of excitement in my life and I'm sure there will be more, so on balance boring is fine with me today. Patience, I'm going somewhere with this.

With traffic, each leg is about 20 minutes, it's pretty consistent. So I have these little 20 minute pockets of inside time to reflect and kinda relax in my own company - very much in the moment, of course, because I really need to survive the drive. Quite often I play a little game, goes like this: How many times do I have to put my foot on the ground between start and finish? Sometimes I will hit EVERY FRIGGIN' RED LIGHT!! and I have to put my foot down every minute or two. No big deal, really. And sometimes, sometimes I make it a-a-a-all the way without my foot touching the ground even once. Not once. And I get a little smile at every light when I can just sorta keep rolling.

When one leg of my daily triangle goes perfectly, I click my kickstand down and move on to the next order of business. Yeah, that was nice, what's next? Every now and then, when I hit EVERYFRIGGINREDLIGHT the frustration grows and turns into this, this THING in my gut. After the ride I might dwell on it and examine it and replay it, sometimes for hours. "DAMMIT, that sucks!" I will say to myself, over, and over, and over. More often than not it isn't a conscious thing, but sometimes I just push through the hours that follow with a bit of sour inside.

Yup, familiar territory. Give me something to complain about and I can milk it for hours. Which takes me back to the Weather Whine. Even when I know things will be fine, if I'm not in the right frame of mind, I'll whine and grouse about something. Sometimes, I'll complain to myself JUST FOR FUN!

I wasn't planning to take this to sobriety but here I am. I haven't had a drink for five-and-a-half years, and I thank God for my sobriety. My sobriety allows me to be aware of my inclination to complain, and my sober friends teach me by their example that it's OK to be this way. They also teach me how to deal with stuff like this in a healthy way, without inflicting myself on others - usually my loved ones, the people I'm closest to. So I can whine about something, let it out, and move on. It's done, it's behind me and I don't feel compelled to seek relief by passing my agony to someone else or pouring myself a scotch & soda, with a bit of scotch on the side, with a scotch chaser.

A red light is a minor aggravation, but if I'm not in the proper frame of mind I can easily (easily)turn it into a big argument at home, or I can turn my boss or a co-worker into a troll and my poor victim will be completely unaware of the transformation. It's all up to me, I control the troll.

Truth is, all this is a bit of hyperbole. I exaggerate so I can examine. The other truth is, I can examine because I am aware, I am aware because I am sober, and I am sober because there were many who have gone before me, to show the way. To all of you, thank you.